Gratitude For Previous Relationships
So today on social media one of my favorite like personalities from YouTube posted an ab workout she’s like a fitness a fitness freak from YouTube her name is Casio her fitness channel is called blogilates or pop pilates and i’ve been following her for like god so many years and you know her like I love this woman to death.
Ed workers are fantastic really there’s nothing like that and she’s she also like went through some very public feelings of not being good enough because she wasn’t like a.
Classic beauty fitness supermodel or whatever so people would tell her that she’s like she’s too chubby to be a good work you know a.
Good fitness instructor but like really they clearly never tried any of our workouts and anyway so she posted this ab workout – Ariana Grande Thank You next and she the the message that went with the workout video was this one is dedicated to ariana grande thank you.
For making a love song that embraces gratitude for after a breakup as opposed to hatred and I was like yay God Cassie her being positive and awesome as usual and like it’s one of those topics that comes up a lot right like God you know like you go to a party or whatever and you know like later on in the evening when everyone’s like either tipsy or completely gone there there’s always like this conversation where somebody.
Is like oh I’m on such great terms with all my exes and it’s like oh you know whenever I hear that I’m like yeah good for.
You yeah that’s good that’s good me too wait no and and it like in.
My head I’m on to him good times all my exes like I still feel quite fondly about them I guess and the thing is I’m not really speaking to any of them and I was and you know whenever that happens I’m like well I’m you know I didn’t I don’t think that if I reached out to them they would or if I saw them in.
The street they would like scream and.
Run away but I don’t think that we would be on speaking terms in fact actually that’s not true one of them definitely blocked me and it’s a pity because I I.
Do you know I just kind of so care and.
I like you know I wanted to reach out to him and find out if he was okay his mom was okay the sister was okay if the cat that he adopted after I left was okay which it wasn’t I found out later as if the cat had died good job and um that’s horrible never mind but so but I you know in my head I feel really.
Not on speaking terms I can not like still chatting to people from my past and I’m like does that mean I’m a bad.
Person you know that we haven’t or that we’re you know that I did something wrong and it it could easily be that I think in especially in their heads but so to coincide with this train of thought at the end of last year.
I met this very charismatic young guy who was polyamorous and he had he already had like two or three girlfriends I don’t know like the one was I don’t know and he was like he was one of those people it just like he he he was up for anything with anyone and and like he was amazing in that you know he was telling me.
About his partners one of them was transgender the other you know like the other two girls they were like both geniuses and the one was at MIT the other one is like an amazing physicist and we had a very short fling and I realized after two months that it was like it was more than novelty of meeting and dating somebody like.
That that I really enjoyed and then I was like man I think it was after we had like a group Skype session with.
The other girlfriends I was stuck not so sure I feel like doing this and that was interesting and and I dumped him and I you know it was I tried to.
Find like you know a private please and I I set him down and I was like you know it’s been fun but like it’s you know just get real you’re gonna put back harm and you know this isn’t really working out it’s not really what I want right now it’s not what.
I was really glad that I met.
You and I got to meet you know the girlfriends and you know and he was really hard for a bit like he cried and I was like oh come on man.
You have like I’m girlfriend number three it’s like it’s no big deal and I’m like the boring one like I’m the one that doesn’t really.
You know I’m not like some genius at MIT or whatever and and you know and I mean like even though I dumped him he’d already like spotted two or three other guys here that he was like eyeing out you know so I really didn’t know so he was crying and and then he’s like he’s tearfully telling me oh god it’s always me I’m.
Always getting dumped and I was like and then I was like oh come on don’t you know I was attracted to you for a reason and I know that I’m pretty sure like you’ve had a lot of people attracted to you that you’ve turned down right and then he like.
It was like got it it reminded me of like a kid you know that crying and then you bring out a suite.
And it’s like Oh suddenly the tears are forgotten.
It was hilarious and you know and as I’m watching him like help us realize realization yeah dump.
Some people before they even you know for anything even happened and I’m looking at this guy’s face and I’m like thinking oh my god oh my god.
I had the sudden realization about myself I was just like I’ve never been dumped and that when that little bit of information like sunk in I was just like this is this is so this is not.
Something you would associate with what I’ve been like inside.
My own head like the person that is in my head is always frightened of being dumped and all frightened that the other person is going.
To leave or you know find me not worthy or find me not enough or find you know and I mean don’t get me wrong I have definitely been rejected I mean I’ve never tasted so much and I get is rejection because I’m a.
Chaser I do not I do not let people take me I’m the one who takes.
Them up I like somebody and I go for them and.
That’s it and I I’m telling you most people have like rejected me straight out and so like I think maybe nine times out of ten I’ve been full-on rejected.
Like the other person didn’t even want to go.
For coffee or anything like which makes me kind of sad because it feels like they are judging me on something and it’s something superficial and always being like how the do I get past that but it also shows just how much down work I’ve put into like being with partners and being in relationship because you know it’s actually like my problem right like I think from the age of 19 you know I was like asexual most of.
My way through school and then like I kind of woke up at 19 and then like I was in a relation in some kind of relationship like solidly for.
Almost 12 years like it was never on my own and that was that ended up being you know.
That leaves you with a lot of issues and so you know let’s at work right especially.
When like nine times out of ten I’m getting you know rejected straight straight.
Up front and I guess my cat is being really really really cute so where am I going with us right so that was an amazing feeling it.
Just made me realize maybe that’s why my exes don’t want to talk to me because in every single relationship I’m the one that keeps terminating them and it’s not like you know I’ve never felt regret either like I think with one relationship there was one relationship where I I.
Went back and forth between this person and other people quite rigid.
And god it was such a mess and I think that was like the one like.
One of the you know those relationships were you like you after I left that person I was.
Like was it the right thing to do should I have worked through it should I have tried harder and that was interesting because that was actually the relationship that was my partner was.
Asexual um so that that was like that was you know it was hard but other than that like even that relationship even after especially after I think I’m back in for three or four times.
Like really you know back in you know in the second view third view of that person I never felt any regret for leaving my partner’s like I never looked back on their lives even years later and like thought I wonder what it would have been like if I.
Stayed with him I’m just like.
Oh thank God I didn’t stay with him you know and like not because they turned out to be terrible people but just because.
It’s not what I want I guess that’s what makes me and also like so this.
Idea that I like this realization was like insane because like I said I was always the person who was afraid of getting lift and I know you’re probably thinking oh maybe she was like she’s one of those people who self sabotages like when something is good they they destroy the relationship because they’re you know they’re scared they don’t deserve it or whatever and I can tell you I.
Know exactly what that feeling is and know this has not been the case in any of these relationships I if anything like I soft-serve etosha more my career like very often I’ve.
Given up like incredible I up really good opportunities because I just didn’t believe that I was worth it and I felt like an impostor but I’ve never had that feeling in relationships except like I said like I you.
Know people reject me upfront and like I think a lot of that is some.
People are just superficial they’re they’re not willing to look I mean I don’t think I’m the.
Prettiest person and I also had really bad teeth for a really long time.