Welcome to this fourth and final video in this series on emotional intelligence going through each of the four quadrants so today’s topic is relationship management otherwise known as managing the emotions of other people and that might sound like a little bit of a strange concept at first you know managing other people’s emotions but in essence what this skill.

All about is realizing that everything I do affects the emotions of others so every every action I take every.

Word I say has an impact on the people around me and if I do that well the people around me feel good and they start liking me because I make them feel good and because they like me they start.

To treat me better and if I’m unaware of my influence on other people it’s very easily to accidentally have the opposite effect and make the people around me feel bad and therefore they will not like me because they don’t like to feel bad and because they don’t like me they don’t treat me as well so this is.

A really important skill set in terms of managing relationships and.

Communication with other people and just knowing what to do to get along with all the other humans in the world so to give you a sense of what I mean when I say managing the emotions of other people I’m going to go through an example using the emotional feedback flowchart which I introduced in video 2 and show how in order to manage the emotions of others we first need to master some of the skills in each of the first three quadrants so when I am confronted with.

I’m going to have likely an emotional reaction within myself so I need to be aware of that which is quadrant one I need to manage that which is quadrant two then having regained control of myself I can then look.

Objectively and see what is happening for the other person which is the social awareness and reading the emotions of others then after all that I can finally get to the quadrant for specific skills of actually managing the emotions.

Of the other person so I’ll give you a quick example that happened to me not all that long ago so you probably don’t need a lot of background to the story but basically I ended.

Up in a position where I was on the phone to a friend who was having a panic attack and she was by herself and she was calling me and she was you know panicking had.

No idea what to do and was really not in a very good place so what happens there so if we pause there the first thing that happens is that I react to that news so I’ve just received through my senses the the news.
Of the situation of my friend and that triggered.

An automatic reaction within me of while panic as well I suppose right I was immediately a little bit fearful and it triggered some automatic thoughts too I thought what if I can’t deal with this which situation what do I do what if it gets worse and worse and there’s nothing I can do to help.

So that’s kind of level one or quadrant one of being aware of my own emotions and thoughts so I could see from my own self-awareness that I.

Was getting anxious and panicking a little bit myself because of the thought of maybe this situation is going to be out of control when something Bad’s going to happen and I don’t know what so once I noticed that I moved on to quadrant 2 which is managing my own emotions and so I had the.

Conscious thought now that I was aware of what was happening the conscious thought of it’s not going to help me to panic about this situation she’s already panicking how about I take a couple of deep breaths I’m.
Gonna do my best there’s nothing else I.

Can do than my best this situation is not my fault all I can do is try and be as supportive as possible so with that thought all of a sudden now my inner dialogue is much much healthier for responding to the situation now I’m thinking ah everything’s okay because I’m just gonna do my best and whatever happens happens but I’m gonna do my best and that’s all I can really ask for and.
So that calmed my own anxiety and I was then in a position to come back out.

Head into what was actually happening in the situation good so that is managing my own emotions quadrant two so quadrant three is the ability to see what’s happening in the other person so let’s have.

A look at the for the moment of what was actually happening for my friend so a panic attack is a really good example of this feedback loop going out of control so essentially what happens in a panic attack is it doesn’t really matter where it starts.

But you get the thought of I’m having a panic attack or I might be going to have a panic attack and when you have the awareness of that thought it that’s a really scary thought if anyone’s ever been in that situation that’s not a fun situation to be in so the very thought of I might be going to have a panic attack causes a lot of anxiety and what happens with that anxiety.

Is that anxiety has a physical reaction all of a sudden my heart rate starts to get faster my breathing starts to get shallower I can feel a contraction in my chest and my throat and when I notice or in this case when my friend notices I’m getting that feeling of anxiety and.

Panic the thought is yes I’m definitely having a panic attack and it.

Just gets worse and worse and you go around this circle a couple of times and pretty quickly that can get out of control so again let’s pause there I know what’s happening so what am I going to do to change it so the problem there are two problems one is that her body is actually how an extreme amount.

Of anxiety at the moment which she can feel and the other problem is that she is having the thoughts some conscious maybe but some maybe just as a reaction of I am having.

A panic attack this is gonna get worse and worse I don’t know if anything’s going to get better and that is increasing the amount.

Of anxiety so I said the the message there is there there are two fronts that I can help with this problem so what I did is I said.

All we’re going to do is focus on breathing so I literally counted over the phone we’re going to breathe in 1 2 3 4 out 1 2 3 4 right all I’m asking you to do is listen to my voice and focus on breathing in 1 2 3 4 out and so on and what that did is it accomplished two things firstly slow breathing physically calms the body so the body is in the emotional state.

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